Danijel Pranjic

Name: Danijel Pranjic

Age: 27

Position: Left winger

Current club: Hereenveen

Proposed fee: n/a

Because somebody needs to take him out of this shitty-looking shirt.

Update: Unhappy-looking Danijel has got his wish and will now dump this humiliating piece of Umbro fashion for the mighty red kit of Bayern Munich. That alone justifies celebration.  

Tuncay Sanli

Name: Tuncay Sanli

Age: 29

Position: Striker

Current club: Boro

Proposed fee: 5m

Because sitting on a Premiership bench is better than cracking your skull in the Championship.

David Silva

Name: David Silva

Age: 23

Position: Winger, Attacking midfielder

Current club: Valencia

OFFICIAL BID: 15m + Andriy Voronin

Because Torres gets lonely. Sometimes.

Michel Bastos

Name: Michel Bastos

Age: 25

Position: Left winger

Current club: Lille

Proposed fee: n/a

Rival buyers: Spurs, Man City, Bayern

Because Bastos could never raise his voice on Albert Riera using a real phone.

Stéphane Sessegnon

Name: Stéphane Sessegnon

Age: 25

Position: Central midfielder

Current club: PSG

Proposed fee: 8m

Rival buyers: Chelsea

Because the ghost of Gerard Houllier's scout has posessed one of Rafa's. 

Gary O'Neil

Name: Gary O'Neil

Age: 26

Position: Central midfielder

Current club: Boro

Proposed fee: n/a

Because every club needs an under-used ugly mug in the reserves.

Silvain Distin

Name: Silvain Distin

Age: 31

Position: Centerback

Current club: Portsmouth

Proposed fee: 2m

Because Sami Hyypia never took his shirt off enough.

David Wheater

Name: David Wheater

Age: 22

Position: Centerback, Right back

Current club: Boro

Proposed fee: n/a

Because three impatient heavily tattooed young centerbacks waiting for Carragher to retire is always better than two.

Jurado

Name: Jurado

Age: 23

Position: Attacking midfielder, Left winger

Current club: Atletico Madrid

Proposed fee: n/a

Because the David Silva plan needs a 397th backup.

Antonio Apono

Name: Antonio Apono

Age: 25

Position: Attacking midfielder

Current club: Malaga

Proposed fee: n/a

Rival buyers: Aston Villa, Valencia

Because currently, none of our goalscoring midfielders have unfortunate surnames.

Javi Martinez

Name: Javi Martinez

Age: 20

Position: Central midfield

Current club: Atletico Bilbao

Proposed fee: 10m

Because when he says he really wants to move to Merseyside, it really could mean one of two things.

Fernando

Name: Fernando

Age: 21

Position: Midfield

Current club: Porto

Proposed fee: n/a

Because this is evidence enough for me to hire him.

Dario Srna

Name: Dario Srna

Age: 27

Position: Right wingback, Right winger

Current club: Shaktar Donetsk

Proposed fee: n/a

Because there is a Deadly Dirk and there is no Deadly Dario.

Miguel

Name: Miguel

Age: 29

Position: Right back

Current club: Valencia

Proposed fee: n/a

Because we don't do Portuguese dickheaded widemen. 

Glen Johnson

Name: Glen Johnson

Age: 24

Position: Right back

Current club: Portsmouth

Proposed fee: 10-17m

Rival buyers: Chelsea

Because there is no Philippe Degen.

Adam Johnson

Name: Adam Johnson

Age: 21

Position: Left winger

Current club: On Boro's books, but regularly loaned out

Proposed fee: n/a

Because his game can't possibly be more boring than his name.

Stewart Downing

Name: Stewart Downing

Age: 24

Position: Left winger

Current club: Boro

Proposed fee: n/a

Complications: Injured for 3 months

Because Riera needs one more player who cannot dislodge him hanging around.

Gerard Deulofeu

Name: Gerard Deulofeu

Age: 14

Position: Right-footed left winger

Current club: Barcelona B

Proposed fee: n/a

Rival buyers: Chelsea

Because a 14-year-old in a Barca shirt looks better than a 14-year-old in his sports house uniform.

Gabriel Heinze

Name: Gabriel Heinze

Age: 31

Position: Left back

Current club: Real Madrid

Proposed fee: Makeweight in Xabi Alonso deal

But wasn't it only because, at that time, it would have royally pissed Ferguson off?