Jurado

Name: Jurado

Age: 23

Position: Attacking midfielder, Left winger

Current club: Atletico Madrid

Proposed fee: n/a

Because the David Silva plan needs a 397th backup.

Antonio Apono

Name: Antonio Apono

Age: 25

Position: Attacking midfielder

Current club: Malaga

Proposed fee: n/a

Rival buyers: Aston Villa, Valencia

Because currently, none of our goalscoring midfielders have unfortunate surnames.

Javi Martinez

Name: Javi Martinez

Age: 20

Position: Central midfield

Current club: Atletico Bilbao

Proposed fee: 10m

Because when he says he really wants to move to Merseyside, it really could mean one of two things.

Fernando

Name: Fernando

Age: 21

Position: Midfield

Current club: Porto

Proposed fee: n/a

Because this is evidence enough for me to hire him.

Dario Srna

Name: Dario Srna

Age: 27

Position: Right wingback, Right winger

Current club: Shaktar Donetsk

Proposed fee: n/a

Because there is a Deadly Dirk and there is no Deadly Dario.

Miguel

Name: Miguel

Age: 29

Position: Right back

Current club: Valencia

Proposed fee: n/a

Because we don't do Portuguese dickheaded widemen. 

Glen Johnson

Name: Glen Johnson

Age: 24

Position: Right back

Current club: Portsmouth

Proposed fee: 10-17m

Rival buyers: Chelsea

Because there is no Philippe Degen.

Adam Johnson

Name: Adam Johnson

Age: 21

Position: Left winger

Current club: On Boro's books, but regularly loaned out

Proposed fee: n/a

Because his game can't possibly be more boring than his name.

Stewart Downing

Name: Stewart Downing

Age: 24

Position: Left winger

Current club: Boro

Proposed fee: n/a

Complications: Injured for 3 months

Because Riera needs one more player who cannot dislodge him hanging around.

Gerard Deulofeu

Name: Gerard Deulofeu

Age: 14

Position: Right-footed left winger

Current club: Barcelona B

Proposed fee: n/a

Rival buyers: Chelsea

Because a 14-year-old in a Barca shirt looks better than a 14-year-old in his sports house uniform.