Danijel Pranjic

Name: Danijel Pranjic

Age: 27

Position: Left winger

Current club: Hereenveen

Proposed fee: n/a

Because somebody needs to take him out of this shitty-looking shirt.

Update: Unhappy-looking Danijel has got his wish and will now dump this humiliating piece of Umbro fashion for the mighty red kit of Bayern Munich. That alone justifies celebration.  

Tuncay Sanli

Name: Tuncay Sanli

Age: 29

Position: Striker

Current club: Boro

Proposed fee: 5m

Because sitting on a Premiership bench is better than cracking your skull in the Championship.

David Silva

Name: David Silva

Age: 23

Position: Winger, Attacking midfielder

Current club: Valencia

OFFICIAL BID: 15m + Andriy Voronin

Because Torres gets lonely. Sometimes.

Michel Bastos

Name: Michel Bastos

Age: 25

Position: Left winger

Current club: Lille

Proposed fee: n/a

Rival buyers: Spurs, Man City, Bayern

Because Bastos could never raise his voice on Albert Riera using a real phone.

Stéphane Sessegnon

Name: Stéphane Sessegnon

Age: 25

Position: Central midfielder

Current club: PSG

Proposed fee: 8m

Rival buyers: Chelsea

Because the ghost of Gerard Houllier's scout has posessed one of Rafa's. 

Gary O'Neil

Name: Gary O'Neil

Age: 26

Position: Central midfielder

Current club: Boro

Proposed fee: n/a

Because every club needs an under-used ugly mug in the reserves.

Silvain Distin

Name: Silvain Distin

Age: 31

Position: Centerback

Current club: Portsmouth

Proposed fee: 2m

Because Sami Hyypia never took his shirt off enough.

David Wheater

Name: David Wheater

Age: 22

Position: Centerback, Right back

Current club: Boro

Proposed fee: n/a

Because three impatient heavily tattooed young centerbacks waiting for Carragher to retire is always better than two.